im sorry
by poopchute
Summary: i would like to apologize in advance for what u are about to read lmao ok enjoy nougats stay saucy (rated M for language. trust me when u read this you'll see very clearly why there is no porn)
1. wow

Lmfao ok so John and Sherlock are just getting home from a long day of solvin mysteries n shit and they almost died like twice. Each. So obviously theyre even closer to each other than they were before this big mystery because of how much it put them through together. At this point theyre just about as close as they can get without being literally attached at like the hip or some shit

Anyway yea theyre getting home and Sherlock takes off his scarf and leaves it on the table and is all like "tallyho I best get myself to bed cause im bORED with this life of being awake."

Sherlock never likes to admit that he's just tired like any other human being cause hes a special fuckin cornflake okay.

Now see the scarf is important here because lil john comes in after Sherlock and sees it just sittin there and is like "hm" and he sniffs it and takes it up to bed with him.

The next morning Sherlock is havin a crap attack all over the fuckin place like 'WHICH BLOODY WANKER TOOK MY BLOODY SCARF" but the crap attack suddenly ends when he realizes he hasn't heard mrs Hudson come through at all this morning and that jOHN is the only other suspect.

Little known fact: john has the sleep schedule of the average teenage boy on a Saturday. So he was still out cold man.

Sherlock storms to johns room to find john asleep, wearin the scarf.

But it was only the scarf. And his lil red panties

At which point Sherlock is like "o" and tiptoes off to get his morning tea and biscuit.

About halfway through his cup of tea he decides that hes bored again so he just whips out his gun like its nobodys business and shots the ceiling.

John wakes abruptly and runs out into the dining room like "shIT NIGGA THE FUCK U DOIN" and sherlocks like "lol morning homo" and Johns like "what" and Sherlock gestures the gun nonchalantly to the fact that he was still in the fukin red panties and had the scarf wrapped around him.

"…..i was cold that's why I needed ur scarf" and Sherlock was like "mhm but the panties are cute ill give u that. Just get yourself cleaned up we have business to take care of today." John still looks bewildered at the enigma of a man he has let into his life. "K um thanks" he says and scurries back to his room softly saying "no homo" under his breath. Sherlock hears this. Sherlock hears all.

so theyre drivin along and johns like "o heres your scarf lol u might want it its kinda chilly up in hurr" and sherlocks like "no… keep it its urs now" and johns like "o gee golly thanks."

After like 15 minutes of driving johns like "um where are we going anyway u never told me you were just kinda like 'TO ADVENTURES' and hopped in the car you didn mention a setting or case at all" and sherlocks like "oops silly me I forgot to mention that I got a call for a murder case," to which john replies "w o w what a fuCKIN SURPRISE"

To calm the mood john decided to put in his favorite Swedish hip-hop cd to listen to in the player. Sherlock never heard this music before so naturally he was like 'THE FUCK BRUH" and johns like "DON'T BE DISSIN DA PHAT SWEDISH BEATS BITCH." Sherlock decides to keep quiet about johns music choices. He realizes that this personal expression of odd taste is a sign of john growing fonder and more comfortable with him.

So they get to the murder scene in the second floor of a house and it's this kid who looks like 17 years old laying face down on the floor. Sherlock puts on his rubber prostate exam gloves and analyzes the corpse. He reached into the coat pocket and pulls out a red mass of fabric. He unfolds it to find that it's a standard red hunting hat. He then examines the hair follicles of the corpse and notices a high quantity of grey hair for someone so young.

"SWEET MOTHER OF DICKS" Sherlock exclaims, 'THIS MUST HAVE BEEN THE BIGGEST FUCKING NERD EVER." John gives a questioning glance and asks "um why tho."

"john," Sherlock replies, "This is a Fuckin Holden Caulfield cospla-" suddenly they hear frantic footsteps running up the stairs accompanied by various pleas from investigators that this is a crime scene.

It's the fucking Doctor.

"SHIT WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT GETTING YOUR SCRAWNY ASS IN THE TARDIS BEFORE SOME OTHER ROGUE-ASS NIGGA SNEAKS IN," the doctor screams at the lifeless body, which, evidently, wasn't much more capable of following orders when it was alive.

"DAVID TENNANT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE" Sherlock asks, rather flabbergasted by all of this. (it is to be noted that this is not actually the doctor it's just the actor david tenant because timelords aren't real and neither is santa claus)

"wellllllll I was in the 40's and I was like yo sup holden hows life and he was like 'it sucks a lot' and im like lmfao o yea I forgot. Well u wanna go make it interesting and he's like 'sure why not lmao just gimme a sec to call my sister' and im like dube hurry anyone else can get in the tardis rn but he diDN'T LISTEN TO ME AND FUCKIN STRADLATER GOT IN and they were chasin each other around town here for a while until stradlater caught him up here and shanked his sorry ass and ran off."

"Um," John begins, "there is no knife wound in this corpse."

"Also," Sherlock adds, "Holden Caulfield is a fictional character."

The Doctor pauses for a second as if he is almost snapping out of some sort of trance. However, it becomes evident that he is still not completely there mentally when he replies with a loud, sudden "well yea, no sHIT SHERLOCK."

In perfect sync, Sherlock and Watson say, "leave."

Then David Tennant scurries off, soon exploding from his own laughter at such an elaborate pun setup.

Eventually the end of the day arrives and the guys go home, tired from all the shit they had to go through today. They had to wait in line at starbucks for like an hour after all the David Tennant bullshit too. Can you fucking believe THAT?

Without hesitation, John happily took Sherlock's scarf to bed with him again. Sherlock sighed to himself as he wrote himself a note to get a new one for himself. That was his only scarf.


	2. to homo or not to homo

John actually wakes up first the next morning. Still just panty and scarf clad, he decided to enjoy a leisurely morning of sipping tea and reading the paper, as he did most mornings. There's a possibility that his pajamas have gone missing now though. God knows why he wud wanna show so much skin around the house lately idk.

Soon enough, Sherlock wakes up and is greeted by his nearly nude companion lounging around the house. "o," Sherlock says, "is there something wrong john" to which john replies "nothin nothin at all hbu" and Sherlock jus pauses and says "ur acting weird john stop acting so weird weirdo." John looks into sherlocks eyes and colon and says "you cant just walk in here and tell me hOW TO LIVE MY LIFE UGH" and stomps away, slamming the door to his room, leaving Sherlock with a confused "wtf just happened" look on his face.

Sherlock should have known to be careful with john's feelings. he's ovulating.

After drinking some tea of his own, Sherlock realizes that john has been in his room alone for 6 hours by now. There are no entertainment sources in there whatsoever. John had even left his laptop in the kitchen. So as a good friend, Sherlock thinks he should check on his confused lil buddy.

"John" Sherlock says, cracking the door open. "John are u okay john?" No answer. He looks to see John listening to his ipod (ok i lied he had his ipod shhh). Sherlock can hear the music it's so loud. John is listening to My Chemical Romance, just staring at the ceiling with a grimace. "god im sorry I hurt ur woman feelings jon omg." John still say nothing. "ok well im gonna go take a bath." John continues to stare bitterly at the ceiling listening to the sound of gerard ways soul caressing vocals.

Sherlock goes into the bathroom, taking his shirt off as he walks. He starts the water for his bath. He then begins to take off his pants. This takes a while, due to his long majestic legs. Sersly. His leg are so long u cant even shake a stick at it.

ANYWHORE he manages to get his pants off just in time to stop the water from overflowing the tub. Then he takes another v long time just to get all of his legs in the tub. Even then they're still bent at the knees, his knees being the most prominent thing visible over the horizon of the tub.

Just as soon as Sherlock settles down to relax a bit and read his favorite book "crumpets for wankers," he hear's john a'knockin at the fuckin door sayin "BLOODY HELL I GOTTA POOP SHERLOCK GET OUT OF THERE YA WANKER." Guess Sherlock will have to educate himself about crumpets some other day. He begins to get out of the tub.

Only problem here is that it takes him for-fucking-ever to get his legs out of the tub. Nobody can explain it, but there are just some days it is really difficult for Sherlock to efficiently operate his legs.

After about fifteen minutes John knocks again and is like "OMG U FUCKING SALTINE I MIGHT AS WELL GO POOP AT A CONVENIENCE STORE OH MY GOD JUST" and then he storms off. Sherlock is about halfway through getting his legs out of the tub. He figures there's no use getting back in so in about fifteen minutes he finally exits the bathroom.

At the exact same time john and Sherlock meet in the living room.

"What in the bloody hell was taking so long dube u said u were getting out"

"see I wAS but today's a bad leg day man I was trying to get out but my long succulent legs were not havin it today."

"well if ur legs are so long and difficult perhaps you should get a bloody license to operate them" john jokes.

Then something clicks in sherlock's mind. This is what he will do today.

"alright then I guess I'll just go and do that thanks for the advice ur a real hot potato" Sherlock says as he suits up to go out. As he exits the building, thoroughly scarfless, he whispers to himself, "so….cold"

Watson has no idea what just happened but he decides to take himself and his empty colon to the kitchen to make some tea and have a biscuit, because what a fucking day jesus christ.

He decides to pick up sherlock's book and read it, nuzzling with the scarf and sipping his tea. He does this for the entirety of the three hours Sherlock is out.

Sherlock conveniently returns at the exact moment in which john says to himself "huh, so that's how you crumpet."

Without any more explanation on the whole issue of where he went/what he did, Sherlock jollily exclaims, "i got mY LEG LICENSE." And just generally walks and occasionally jogs around the room. One must admit that he was operating those legs like it was nobody's business.

"alright im happy for u Sherlock im gonna go get a drink jesus I need one."

But then

Something goes wrong

:o

Caught up in the excitement of being able to operate his legs, he eventually ends up falling down the stairs to the door as john is walking out.

"FUCK IM FALLIG DOWN ALL THESE STAIRS"

"I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE STAIRS MAN I WARNED U DOG"

the stairs for some reason have elongated to infinite length. Sherlock's body flounders about the length of these ridiculous stairs, flipping and tossing and turning the way no human body normally would. But hey. Special cornflake.

"ITS HAPPENING SO MUCH"

"IF U WOULD JUST REACH THE BOTTOM I WOULD CATCH UR WEIRDASS BUT I DON'T UNDERSTADN THE GRAVITY OF THIS SITUATION"

then john grows a brain of some sort and runs up to catch Sherlock. And then he does.

Suddenly, caught up in the drama of the situation, Sherlock gives john a firm, meaningful kiss for saving his life and putting that torment to an end.

"why u kiss" john asks.

"I'm sorry no homo I just felt like you were the only good thing in the world in that moment john you were my only hope that was so scary john hold me please," Sherlock replies and hugs john firmly. John accepts the hug, pulling Sherlock in closer to him. "it's okay," john says. "ur okay."

Sherlock is suddenly completely okay with the fact that john totally jacked his scarf.

John helps Sherlock up the stairs, supporting most of his weight, both physically and emotionally.

Or actually, as I should probably say, he convinced Sherlock after about an hour of coaxing that he can use the stairs. Up until he was encouraged to trust stairs again, he just yelled at the poor things. He even went out to the street, picked up a branch, and started hitting the stairs with it. So now u see why it took an entire hour to convince him to trust the stairs to support him properly.

Also, somehow, Sherlock doesn't have any injury whatsoever. He didn't even lose his amazing ability to operate his lengthy legs.

They then go to bed (in their own respective bedrooms)

In the middle of the night, Sherlock knocks on johns door.

"John?"

"Dear Watson?" he says as he creaks the door open to see his mostly nude companion once again cradling the scarf in his arms.

The dark john rises.

"Sherlock, what in the bloody hell are you doing?" John asks in that just-woke-up voice. He doesn't seem that peeved, just surprised.

"John I had a nightmare about the stairs john they're coming to get me can I sleep in your bed pls john im scare."

"….sure just no homo okay come here" john pats a spot on the bed for Sherlock to occupy for the rest of the night.

Sherlock gets comfortable in his lil spot and they both lay still in the night. All is silent except Sherlock's feint whisper, too quiet for john to comprehend or even care about:

"maybe homo"


End file.
